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n a t a l i a
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too low to find my way, too high to wonder why.
i've touched this place before, somewhere in another time.
time. now i can hear the sun, the clouds drifting through the blinds. a half a million thoughts are flowing through my mind. |
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send me round the world again, all the night you've dreamt away, sent me round my heart again
one touch upon my lips and all my thoughts are clear. |
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[16 Jan 2005|05:46pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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greenday. boulevard of broken dreams |
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he's just
not that
into you
he's just not that into you, if hes not asking you out,
Because if he likes you, he will ask you out.
If he wants you, he will find you.
If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you,
take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.
if you can find him, he can find you. if he wants to find you, he will.
guys play the "friend" card with us because its easier, they only have to be responsible for the expectations of a friend,
instead of the far greater expectations of a boyfriend.
they get the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits
of a girlfriend, who they can see or not see whenever they want to.
this guy may be one of your closest friends,
but sorry to say, as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.
a guy who really is into you is going to want you all to himself.
and why wouldn't he?
I mean comm'on is better than nothing what were going for now?
I was hoping for at least a lot better than nothing, or maybe even a something.
because It's all about the guy who wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more
and more. every week, two weeks, once a month, seeing someone,
having a little affection may help you get through the day
or the week or the month-- but will it get you through a lifetime?
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[04 Nov 2004|12:27pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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Tears For Fears. call me mellow |
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These past couple days have been fun and I’ve missed you guys. But ill be coming back to school soon, so no worries. My sisters did good and im proud of the conceded little bitches. I haven’t done much of anything up here except shop around, party a bit, and catch up on old times with some old friends.
Me and Tina rode this ride over and over and over again.. Until I was so freezing cold I couldn’t think or feel anything.. I liked it I got to forget about everything going on lately, I just closed my eyes, its amazing what a little carnival ride can do.
Me and her always have fun together, Tina is the kind of person I wish I was more like, she’s incredibly smart, talented, and beautiful. She has the things that most girls only dream about.. An incredible boyfriend, loving understanding parents and friends, and more opportunities than she knows what to do with. She has the “All American Girl” life, and she lives it to the fullest everyday without thought of the things that could go wrong. I think that’s the secret that no ones told me about, none of the ‘happy’ people anyways.. “Don’t think”. Is that what’s suppose to make my life feel better? The quick fix? For the past 9 hours me and her have done nothing but laugh and talk about our past experiences, the difference is she’s learned from her mistakes and I obviously haven’t. Im sitting here envying every little thing about her, we all do it, even if we try to make other people think that we don’t, some of us only do it only a little, others take it out of proportion and to the heart but, we all want what we don’t have, you cant deny it, maybe to other people but not to your self. Me and Kayla have been best friends for the sum of out lives but her and I both know that it hasn’t always been easy, at times we’ve gone through our ruff bits, we’ve envied each other and there were always those moments where we’ve just wanted to be left alone, im sure our petty little problems would have seemed insignificant to other people who aren’t ‘us’. But to me and her they were huge, life changing decisions and moments, at least they were at that time. But hey what’s the big deal right. I mean people say they envy mine and Kayla’s friendship all the time but honestly they don’t know either one of us..or anything about us, or our lives, they see us as the girls who will do anything to get what they want, the bitches who think they deserve all the attention, some people think were fake, they think were loud, sluts, annoying maybe, crazy, self harming, alcoholics, stuck-up, blonde? Anything else im leaving out. Well we just see ourselves as normal.. We like to have fun how are you gonna punish us for that.. We don’t care about what people think.. That’s a waste of time, cutting in on our fun. We act like dorks and we know it, were not bothered with it, we know how people talk.. We could care less all we know is that were having fun. But then again how could you know us your not us, no one is. I cant say I can blame you because you don’t know us, because obviously you haven’t taken the time to get to know us. Anyways my point, you never get what you want and the best things always come all at once and when they leave there’s no notice, they’re just gone unexpectedly without warning. So if you have something or someone, make the best of it before its all gone and done with. Otherwise you might find yourself like I am right now envying what I used to have, and the things that used to make me happy.
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| The Life Left Unlived. |
[06 Sep 2004|02:26pm] |
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Blink-182. you fucked up my life |
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...coming up here really soon will be the 1 1/2 year anniversary of my cousin's death...it doesnt seem like its been that long since Ive seen him or talked to him, it makes me sad. I can remember everything about him like I saw him yesterday. I remember how he would always take me to his house when all of his friends were there, they made me laugh more than any other group of people, he used to make everyone feel so welcome, he always made sure I was taken care of and I remember the last time I saw him as how I want to remember him the rest of my life. When he dropped us off from Kyle's house that friday, me and Krystal were singing with the windows down we were so excited to go see everyone at Ashlee's party, I remember looking at the sticker on the back of his truck and giggling as he drove away..it was a joke, Krystal and me had gotten it made for him on his birthday and put it on his truck the week before, funny how things in my life always seem to change for the worst... We never made it to the party that Friday night instead surrounded by my family and alot of our friends we spent the night in the Vallejo Emergency room, when the news came that I would never see him again, I broke down I felt like I couldn’t breath and the world was closing in around me. I couldn’t even begin to believe what I had just heard, He was going around a sharp turn when a thoughtless drunk driver had swerved and hit him. He had received the raw end of the deal that night, the man who killed my cousin barley had a scratch on him but in that very moment had taken one of the most important things in my life. The funeral was later that week, as I stood there over his casket and looked around me at all the people who loved and cared about him so dearly I started to cry. I got to thinking about life, and how we tend to think as a populace that life means you live until you're very old, you're married with kids, and you pass away in your sleep having lived a full and healthy life. I guess that's because it's too scary to admit that we could go at any moment. Then I got to thinking about what life means to me. Life means experimenting, loving, having friends, having family...mostly..having the things we all want. But, I started to realize that it's not about how his life was cut short, it's about the amazing life he had prior to his death. He fell in love, he graduated from high school, and he always tried something new to be as well rounded, and as able as he could. I am incredibly proud of the life he built for himself based on being the best he could &&& I sincerly miss him.
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| Summers Here and Better Than Ever. |
[05 Jul 2004|01:32pm] |
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mood |
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Missing him. |
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music |
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Alkaline Trio. another innocent girl |
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You think I left him in the dust. But you don’t know that half of it. You think I fucked him over but you don’t know the way ‘ love’ works. If you did, you’d understand.
The fourth, house party.
I’m doing better than ever.
Babysitting a house for a whole month parties...indeed.
Explosives, apple orchards.
Barbeque.
Peach Cobbler strait from the field.
Santa Cruz for three days.
I meet someone.
Someone to pass time with.
To talk to.
To hang out with.
He’s a ‘good’ boy. But we changed that.
He has cool friends.
Is the best for driving me around, late night trips for ice-cream.
Running naked through the apple orchards.
Crazy days spent together and even crazier nights.
His friends,
Chris’s singing.
Anthony’s house on the golf course in Oakdale. (The way he laughs... 2hours at Java Makers)
Matt’s obsession with CRAWL.
Elliot’s stupid quietness.
Frankie’s little cousin the pothead.
Spinning down a huge hill in the middle of mansions and then Anthony’s little brother coming to get us in his truck after we were to dizzy to walk, riding back to Anthony’s in the back of the truck ‘no hands’ risk taker, he’s a carefree boy.
Samantha “the pizza delivery girl’!
Getting caught by the cops after sundown at the park.
Movies.
The cool kids who went behind the DO NOT PASS sign at the waterfall.
The hippies and his friends.
The top story of the double tree hotel,
Trying to break into F.B.I. headquarters playing with the fingerprinter
Stealing the janitors Happy Birthday balloons just to give them to a little girl and some Mexican boys.
White Chicks horrible movie.
Spider Man 2 not so bad.
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| Everything Means Nothing. |
[24 May 2004|12:57pm] |
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mood |
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sadscareddisapointed |
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Saves The Day nightingale |
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I gave you everything I had all of my heart and all of my love and you threw it away like it didn't matter at all, broken promises. You've hurt me so many times. &&& you hurt me constantly....but still I love you more.
I just want to experience one that I will never forget because it will be so special because it would be with you. But how am I supose to think of our future when we cant even get past our present. So its your choice whatever you say, but don't hurt me again cause, I know im not going to put up with it anymore.
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| What Are You Trying To Say? |
[26 Apr 2004|03:00am] |
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Alien Ant Farm these days |
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if you call me Natalia you are normal
if you call me Nat you are someone who wants me to get mad like Rocky and Mike
if you call me talizzle you are kim.
if you call me anythingbutblonde you are DORKS ARE HOT
if you call me natalia-IA you are Lindsey
if you call me Natalie you pronounced my name wrong
if you call me talie you are Mario, Kayla, or kylie
if you call me nataliea you are Casey
if you call me talia you are my little sisters, kayla, mario, alyssa, or kyle
if you call me kid you are matt
if you call me tal you are mario, kayla, or brandon
if you call me an hd4l your right
if you call me shortie you are mike brockway
if you call me frisky you are a loser
if you call me talie wacker I will slap you very hard :)
if you call me beautiful ill love you forever
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| Happiness in a Bottle |
[23 Apr 2004|07:25am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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Foo Fighters darling nikki |
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Being perfect is an illusion one will never be able to achieve.
Me and him went to Danny's yesterday to watch Mike and Danny play, and Mario taped. I had heard them play over the phone before but it was all statiky so I couldn't really tell what they sounded like. But yesterday they sounded hella good. Im actually proud to call them my friends. That's how good I think you guys were. You guys should be proud too, and I like your new song. A+ guys seriously.
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| Paradise |
[18 Apr 2004|08:23am] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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Saves the Day. |
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Today.
Dentist appointment, ouch.
Mario happened to be in town...
My moms friend thinks he’s gay. Hmm.</p>
Me and him walked to his house.
Bitches in a Convertible. Who did they think they were?
Save-mart.
Bought Mario a chocolate race car and a soda.
He got into a parking lot rock fight with my little sister, Michaela.
Mario littered.
Walked back to his house.
Hung out...
Went home.
Tonight?
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| Life |
[16 Apr 2004|08:42am] |
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 confused |
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Smile Empty Soul silhouettes |
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My parents don’t understand me. What’s new though it’s the same with everyone they just don’t get us. When there young they think about the same things we think about today. They think of their futures and how they’ll act when they grow old. They say were not going to be like our parents. But after they have children there morals change, their ways of living change. They become parents... the thing they feared the most when they were growing up. The thing we fear the most today, I don’t want to do that, but I think its inevitable. It’s the way it is. We think about our lives and how they’ll alter as we grow up... we think about where well be 5 years from now, 10 years from now, maybe even 20 years from now. But every year our plans undergo a transformation. We lose friends and we gain friends. Your life switches from being the fun loving kid you are today to a working mother, trying to manage your job and find time to read your little girl a bed time story before she falls fast asleep from a long day at preschool. Soon that same little girl you read that bedtime story will be going on her first date and meeting the guy of her dreams, her soul mate. Our lives change dramatically from day to day. Its life. You get lost in school, relationships, and work and you lose sight of the things that are really important and the people who will always be there for you. Why cant I just be a kid forever and not have to worry about any of this useless stuff?
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| Pure Happiness |
[14 Apr 2004|05:23pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Yeah Yeah Yeahs maps |
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Well me and Kayla have preety much worked things out. Like I knew we would...we always do. Shes my best friend what would I do without her. Although we do still have the small problem with her hating Mario... Who could hate a guy like him?
I was watching t.v. last night and one of the actors said "Everyday you wait is another you cant get back" It's true. So when you have something to say ...say it. When you love someone tell them. Live the moments in your life carefree. Smell the roses...dance in the rain...daydream...kiss him ...light a candle...do something you love without worring about what people think...let someone cry on your shoulder...cuddle...forgive and forget...have a gurls nite out...bat your eyelashes...go to the beach...spend time with your friends and family...whisper I love you in his ear...reminisce ...let the wind blow through your hair...and always be you.
Lately I'v been happier than ever. I think im finally starting to realize the important things in life and grow up. So many people in highschool are caught up in the drama and making bad desicions... I dont want that to be me. Im done with all of that. Finished. So if your not feel free to leave me out of it.
Today when I read your email a tear came down my face...I've never felt so loved.I think about you constantly your always on my mind. Im in love theres no other way to explain it.
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| My ell jay |
[12 Apr 2004|03:00pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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Dashboard Confessional rapid hope loss |
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You insisted that I get my own live journal.
"this 1one girl: no i want nothing to do with it. or you.",
A fight over lj? My best friend. just becasue I got a live journal of my own.
"this 1one girl: the gay ass hd4l is now broken up."
Just becasue I want to have something of my own doesn't mean that our FRIENDSHIP is over. Its not!
love you with all my heart
Natalia</p>
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